I have a friend who I really like, and he liked me. We were in separate schools last year because I was still in 8th grade. Lots of confusion went on, and I felt hurt earlier this year. Everything’s great now because our friendship is growing, but should I let go of how I thought he hurt me, or should I tell him face-to-face about what he didn’t notice?
S.M., Foreman
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TELL HIM YOU WERE HURT
By Dr. T
Adolescent psychiatrist
Dear S.M.,
It sounds like you are good friends and that this friendship is important to you. So, I recommend that you tell him about your hurt feelings. Why? Because good friendships that matter don’t go forward without resolving significant hurts from the past.
But how should you bring up this subject? I don’t think there’s a big hurry. You can wait until the timing is right. Then, say something like, “Remember back when ... I was really hurt and sad about that. I’m just really glad things seem to be back on track with our friendship.”
Stick with “I statements” that say something about what you think and feel. That’s better than saying, “Remember when you did this?” I statements are less likely to make him feel defensive.
Then listen carefully to your friend’s response because it’s very important to understand him before you try to be understood. When people feel understood, they are much more likely to try to understand where you are coming from too.
Congrats on being brave enough to think about this. A lot of people avoid conflict, but that approach keeps relationships from growing.
Dr. T,
Adolescent psychologist
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DON'T SUGARCOAT IT
Dear S.M.,
Letting go of things without confrontation never seems to work, does it?
In movies, the plot is always the same: Husband cheats on wife, wife tries to forget his mistake and make the marriage work, the husband messes up again and all of their unresolved issues about cheating reopen for discussion. The problem? The wife never told the husband about how much he really hurt her.
So don’t let this go.
If the guy hurt you earlier in the year, then you need to talk to him about it. Don’t sweep it under the bed and pretend that it never happened. Unresolved issues will always come back to bite you in the butt. Always. You need to sit down with him and simply tell him that he hurt your feelings. Just be honest. Make sure he knows how much you value his friendship, but don’t sugarcoat anything.
If he cares about you, then he will understand and apologize. However, if he’s a jerk about it, then maybe he isn’t the right guy for you.
Whatever happens, you should definitely feel better about the whole situation. And, hopefully, you’ll be one step closer to being more than friends with this guy.
Mel Stone,
Hinsdale Central
>> Want more advice from Mel Stone? Check out her blog at chicagonow.com/ask-mel/
